“RE: Shane Michael Ray Kilhefner, A Memorial”

My Baby Boy,

It has been a little over 12 weeks since you have been gone. I have my ups & downs - more down than up, believe me. I know you would be appalled that you have caused me this much pain and I would feel the same way about causing you this kind of pain. It's just that we kinda figured that you would have to deal with losing me at some point. We used to joke about how you & Seth were going to have to take care of me when I was senile. I was always so terrified of losing you & you always tried to reassure me that that wasn't going to happen. And, as many nightmares as I had about it, I never wanted to believe that it would happen to me, either. The day that I found out you were gone will be forever burned in my memory. It was my worst nightmare coming true. It still doesn't seem real. Some days I don't know how I can go on without you. I always tried to tell you that you weren't invincible but you didn't believe me. At 23, I wouldn't have believed me, either.

I am aching these days - it's almost a physical ache. I long to hug you & kiss you, to touch your face, to hold your hand, to rub your hair, to rub your back, to tickle you, just to look into your eyes & see my love for you reflected back at me.

I wish you would have had a child of your own - so you would have some idea of the strength & power of the love I feel for you. There is nothing else like it. I literally would have killed for you. And if you would have had a child of your own, a part of you (and me) would have lived on - and that would have made me very happy.

When you died, a huge part of me died as well. I will never be quite the same but I will always be "Shane's Mom". I hope you knew what you meant to me. I think I made sure you knew. I did my best.

As you know, I was kinda surprised to find out that you liked & knew some Country Music a few days before you died. I would give anything - anything - to hear you sing again - and especially to see that grin you had that let you get away with so much.

Since you have been gone there are some lyrics that always make me think of you:

From Kenny Chesney:

And he cried,
There goes my life.
There goes my future, my everything.
I love you.
Baby good-bye.

There goes my life.
There goes my life.
Baby good-bye.

You were my life, my future, and my everything - now? Who knows? My future kinda died with you. The plans that I had for the rest of my life are so different these days.

From Shania Twain:

And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath--to forget

And one more for now:

Well, it must be kind of crowded,
On the streets of Heaven.
So tell me: what do you need her for?
Don't you know one day she'll be your little girl forever.
But right now I need her so much more.
She's much too young to be on her own:
Barely just turned seven.
So who will hold her hand when she crosses the streets of Heaven?

Lord, don't you know she's my angel
You got plenty of your own
And I know you hold a place for her
But she's already got a home
Well I don't know if you're listenin'
But praying is all that's left to do
So I ask you Lord have mercy, you lost a son once too

I prayed for you so many times - I don't know what happened. I don't have the answer & neither does anyone else.

I never stop thinking of you, my one & only beloved son.

Mom, Mommy, Mama-dukes, etc.