“RE: Shane Michael Ray Kilhefner, A Memorial”

Shane, I miss you so badly that I don't want to live anymore. I have felt like this several times since you died but I am really feeling it these days. I feel like there is no reason to go - without you in my life. What's the point? What do I have to look forward to anymore?

I know that Seth would be devestated - he loves me like no other. But, if I were gone, he would have the opportunity to find love again with someone else. And maybe he could even have a child of his very own. He loved you as his own son but I have to think that it's a bit different when it's your own "flesh & blood" that you are talking about. You were my anchor. You were always going to be connnected to me - no matter what. Just the way it was - we shared the same flesh & blood. I was part of you & you were part of me. Nothing could ever change that. I am so thankful that we had the close loving relationship that we did. I feel badly for your father - that things didn't go well the last time you talked - I feel badly that that is what he has to live with.

That's the difference between losing a spouse & losing a child. You can always find another love to have a relationship with. But you can never find another child to replace the one you lost.

Onto another subject - I have not been able to go thru your things yet. Seth, Dad, and Jed went to your apartment to pack things up & bring them back here. Everytime I look into one of the boxes, I just lose it. I do have a sweatshirt of yours hanging on the back of my chair here - smells like you. I love it. Once I have sniffed all of your scent out of it, I will give it to one of your little brothers. Your dad's wife - your step-mother (Kathy) has requested some of your clothing for them. (I think she is totally bewildered, too. She loved you & just doesn't know how to help your Dad deal with this- I think he is really struggling. Even tho he didn't always show it, he loved you. I imagine that the way he treated you has caused him a lot of guilt.)

You younger siblings want to have things from their "big brother". I guess I will give them whatever I can find - what good will it do me to hang onto your things? No one else will ever understand what they mean to me or appreciate them as much as I think they should. Who else can I give all the things I have been saving for you?

I love you, Mom