Truer Words - A Journal

Happy New Year, One and All

seth@macrobyte.net — Mon, 01 Jan 2007 16:22:11 GMT

2006 was a good year for me and mine, in many ways.

To all of my family near and far, to my ecclesia here and worldwide, to all of my friends new and old, close or distant:

Happy
New Year!

Hoping 2007 will be even better, for all of us...

A Little More About Simon Brand

seth@macrobyte.net — Mon, 16 Oct 2006 15:26:58 GMT

Years ago I said that I would write a bit more about my friend Simon Brand. Even people who have been reading [tw] for that long probably don't remember anything about it, but I know some will.

In fact, an old fan of Simon and his music recently found those words and called me on it. He's trying to put more of the story together, and hoped I'd finally say a little more.

I don't have time to write the whole story: this was a friendship with a very deep, very (VERY) troubled (tormented!) and intense person. Still, I can at least provide some hints in the form of a list of "highlights," which perhaps I can return to later to add more detail.

His arrival in Vermont
Woodworking
Carving

This is a "self-therapeutic" statue that Simon carved out of a piece of firewood. It really does say a lot about his state of mind. (Note the fist, and the face.)

It sits on a shelf in my office. Although the years have dulled the edges of Simon's suicide, and then Dave's and (especially) Shane's deaths eclipsed it, this angry figure glaring at me from my wall has always been able to bring the memories back for a few minutes.

If you click on the first picture, you'll see that (in the larger version) there are three items under the carving:
- At the back is a really bad picture of Simon taken on the trip to Florida. Darren and I agreed that although it's a bad picture, it's also a very "real" picture. Unfortunately, I can't find it at the moment, or I'd post that, too.
- In the middle is an airmail envelope. It's a letter from Simon's wife, and it contains a cassette. He was terrified of it, and refused to open it: he was pretty sure it was his kid(s?) being prompted by "Mommy" to tell Daddy how much they missed him. (Simon and his wife were having serious problems, and were already divorced.) Again, when he left he told me to keep it... he even told me to listen to it, though I never have. The envelope remains unopened.
- At the front is a letter he sent from England after he went home. This was shortly after Nirvana's Kurt Cobain died (which broke another piece of Simon's heart): the letter is written in the language of Bevis and Butthead, and talks about Cobain's death (along with lots of other stuff).
The guitar

Simon came to the U.S. with his "favorite guitar." When he left, he told me to keep it (in the meantime, he'd spent some time trying to teach me to play it). His only instructions were to "only use steel guitar strings for an electric guitar." (The guitar is not electric.)

The boy could play, but of course anybody who knows Simon already knows that. A professional Jazz musician in the area would sometimes come to the house to visit with Trevor and Jenny Tebbs (the family with which we were living). The first time he came over while Simon was there was amazing: everyone in the house was musical (with myself at the bottom of the scale), but those two quickly fell into music-speak. That is, the mouths closed, the guitars came out, and they jammed for over an hour. Simon played circles around the other guy (who was quite good), but what I remember best was the way these two just fell into the music, and took the rest of us in with them.

The guitar is still here. :-)

Tae Kwan Do
Chess
Pool (Billiards)
Driving to Florida in a Blizzard, with Darren
Humor (Ping Pong!)
His family
Return to England
The letter
Suicide

That's not a complete list. Perhaps more will come to me if/when I write more.

They're Coming Home!!!!

seth@macrobyte.net — Thu, 13 Apr 2006 17:17:52 GMT

Darren and Angi Drake have been in Nepal for over a month, adopting little Rina and Ravi, brother and sister orphans that they heard about "through the grapevine" over a year ago.

They knew this was going to be a difficult path to take, but they really believed this was the path for them.

While in Nepal, the country went a little nutso... even more than usual. Huge protests and unrest, bad enough that the king imposed a curfew on the capital city of Kathmandu that started at 11:00 am! There was some rioting, some fighting between the people and the government forces. (Keep in mind that Nepal has an active Maoist insurgency, trying to overthrow the king.)

Early this week, they had the kids out on the hotel grounds when they all got watery eyes and burning throats. The letter from Angi says that Darren said, "Oh my word," and then they grabbed the kids and ran back inside. Apparently it was tear gas, drifting over from a conflict at a local engineering school.

With pressure from the US government, the king lifted the curfew for Thursday and the US embassy agreed to open long enough (with a skeleton crew) to process the three emergency (adoption) visa applications that were pending. One of them was for Ravi, their new little boy (they already had Rina's).

They got the visa, and some strong advice: get out as soon as you possibly can. Find the next plane leaving the country with four seats on it, and fill them. Apparently the embassy is worried that things are about to get a lot worse with an upcoming speech by the king on the Nepali New Year (Friday?).

Long story short: they're coming home. I've been so stressed (nay, scared) about this that I don't have words to express it, nor my relief at Angi's last letter. They just need to get through another day: they're leaving Saturday morning.

(Darren and I have had our ups and downs, but he's been one of my closest friends since I was twelve. I'm very proud of him right now.)

Exhausting Weekend, More to Come

seth@macrobyte.net — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 20:22:14 GMT

This weekend our ecclesia hosted a "study weekend", sort of a mini-bible-school.

Friday Night

It started Friday evening with a class for the teens, which included about 15 visitors from other New England ecclesias. The adults just did some Bible reading and discussion. Afterwards, there were refreshments (more like a small meal), and a birthday cake for Jed (who turned 30 a second time, since we missed it last year).

Saturday

Saturday morning there were two more classes, followed by lunch, with a third class in the early afternoon. Then we all went our separate ways for a few hours before meeting back at the hall for pizza (except Corinne, who had to attend a "bank-uet" for work). After pizza we did the readings, again.

Uh, hold it right there a sec. Usually, when we read together, we do it round-robin style, everybody reading five verses apiece. This time, three of us were asked if we'd each read a chapter. Our yearly reading schedule listed Nehemiah 7 as our first reading for the day, which I read from the podium.

I've read from the podium at least a hundred times, no big deal. I've presided and exhorted at least fifty times (each). I'm quite comfortable up there.

Nehemiah 7, though! This is not a chapter that's meant to be read out loud for an audience. In fact, I can't think of a less reader-friendly chapter in the entire Bible. Two-thirds of the way through I had a strong flashback to my childhood: I was standing on the stage at the Boston ecclesia, struggling mightily to recite some memory verses, wishing I could sit down and praying for it to end.

When I was finally done -- with only a couple of minor flubs, to my great surprise -- I let out a big sigh of relief before leaving the podium. Most everyone smiled or laughed, and Ken Willis said, "Seth! You're my hero!"

After the readings we watched a slideshow of Darren and Angi Drake's trip to Nepal. They're adopting two Nepalese children (siblings, a boy and a girl), and just returned from their first visit. The kids are adorable: the girl is a "girlie girl," the boy is a "little stinker" but has an infectious laugh (they had some movies with sound in the slideshow), the roads and driving are totally insane, and most of the Nepalese are poor to a degree we rarely see in the U.S.

Sunday

Sunday after meeting and Sunday School we had Yet Another Meal. By this point I was honestly tired of eating. Me. Tired of food. Can you believe it? Corinne went home early, she was too tired to stick around and was sleeping by the time I got home.

Thanksgiving: Feeding the Hungry

You'd think that she could use this week to recover... but of course this is Thanksgiving week. This year, instead of feeding the Norwich police like last year, she's feeding the homeless and hungry at the Westerly Warm Shelter... so she has to prepare meals this week for sixty to eighty people.

She's not actually cooking it all, but she is doing most of it. One or two of the turkeys are being 'farmed out' to others in the ecclesia who were willing to help, and some of the ladies at the bank are providing pies. Corinne's doing most everything else... and on top of all that, we're serving both lunch and dinner!

If there's anything left of her at the end of the day, I'll take her home, put her to bed, and hope she doesn't wake up again until Saturday morning.

Sunday Picnic, Chess, and Frisbee

seth@macrobyte.net — Tue, 05 Jul 2005 18:53:58 GMT

Sunday afternoon, Corinne took a nice, long nap, and I went over to Gary & Ellyn's for a cookout with "whoever wants to show up with some food." (I brought a half-dozen jalapeño hamburgers, and some tortellini salad, all made by Corinne.)

A bunch of us sacked out in the living room in front of the Red Sox game while we waited for the food to cook. Thankfully, that didn't take long: watching regular season baseball on the tube is painfully boring.

After we ate, Darren challenged me to a game of chess at the table by the pool. I haven't played in a couple of years, but the only person I may have played against more often than Darren was Simon. (Simon and I played many games per day for a couple of months, Darren and I have been playing since we were teens.)

I started off well, capturing some of his key pieces and a number of pawns. He made a strong comeback, and had me on the ropes for awhile, even predicting (numerous times!) that I'd be in checkmate within two or four moves. We were frequently interrupted by people asking incredulously if we were "still playing the same game!?" My patient and completely fallacious response was that Darren takes a really long time to move. :-D Actually, in the old days I would take so long to move that he would either play another game with someone else (concurrently), or read a book!

In spite of his bold predictions, I staged my own strong comeback and nearly had the game sewn up... until I made a completely stupid move that resulted in instant checkmate. I should have used Darren's magical "undo" feature to make my bad move go away (ahem!), but instead I just conceded defeat.

After the game, Jed joined us for some frisbee in the front yard for about 45 minutes. Then we had supper, followed by more frisbee with three of the young'uns (Tommy, Tamar, and Autumn) doing very good imitations of Monkeys in the Middle. The festivities didn't end until it was almost too dark to see the frisbee about to hit you between the eyes.

All that throwing and chasing of the frisbee resulted in some really stiff, sore muscles. Monday morning, my right pec was on fire, and my right ankle hurt enough to make me wince just going down stairs. :-) It was worth it.

(Added an hour later: I'm so forgetful! One of the reasons I posted this was because Darren-the-lefty told me this morning (in an email) that his left arm was so sore he had to drive with his right.)

It's too bad we only have one vehicle. I didn't find out until later that Corinne wanted to go to the picnic after her nap, but didn't want to ask me to come get her. (There's another one, same place, next weekend...)

Major Hardware Upgrade!

seth@macrobyte.net — Wed, 25 May 2005 15:49:34 GMT

Macrobyte invested in a major hardware upgrade for my workstation, this weekend. This may be my first totally smooth hardware upgrade in the last decade!

It's a new chair!

My old one, after years of service, finally died. The left armrest broke off. The right one was already broken.

I wen to lunch on Friday with Darren, and mentioned I was going to pick up a new chair on the way home. He said that he had a very nice leather executive chair that he was trying to sell because he didn't need it anymore.

PIcked it up on Sunday, and it's perfect. Almost too comfortable, with a back that's high enough even for me to rest my head on it (if I felt like sleeping instead of working). Great price, too. Thanks Darren!

Nothing improves your work environment like making yourself comfortable. You think a faster computer helps? It probably does, but a faster computer is nothing compared to less discomfort at the desk where we spend so much of our day. (The hullaballoo over programmers being given Aerons back in the late 90's always annoyed me. A few hundred dollars more to make a $60K - $90K programmer more comfortable and efficient is a very good investment.)

Good Riddance: My Closing Thoughts for 2004

seth@macrobyte.net — Fri, 31 Dec 2004 18:53:58 GMT

Not everything about 2004 was bad, even on the personal front. Things I'm pleased about:

Corinne and I found a new level in our relationship, and discovered that our love can weather the foulest of all circumstances and events.
I worked out an important issue with my brother and feel a lot less tension with him now than I did a year ago. Then again, we're brothers, so who knows how long we'll go without him doing something wrong again? (Just kidding...)
My best cycling season ever. There's still a lot to improve, though. I'm hoping for a 4500 - 5000 mile year starting tomorrow, and I have a new goal: by September, my training rides should regularly be hitting 21 mph. I came close this year.
Well it's still not exactly "back on its feet" (certainly nothing like it was in '99), the bid'ness is showing signs of life. Business clients are showing an interest in our services again, the software is getting some major improvements, and a number of long-term customers have me looking (and working!) in directions I've never been before (deep science being one of them). You know who you are, and I thank you.
Some new, newly-improved, or renewed friendships. Especially Darren, Steve and Andrew. (Even though I have to let Andrew beat me at ping-pong on a regular basis.) Corinne has some of those, too, like Katie, Ellyn, and some of the girls at the bank where she works.

On the other hand, let's be realistic. How would you like to be described as "not all bad?" That's the best I can say about this year. "It wasn't nightmarish 100% of the time." Whee, what a party!

From Shane dying in March and us reliving it 150,000 times, to 150,000 people dying horrific deaths in one insane day in late Decmeber. From the country I live in being split almost exactly in half by a non-choice between two greater evils (or "the devil we know, and the devil we don't want to know"), to a "we can't lose" invasion which has eviscerated a nation and turned into a civil war.

I'm stronger for surviving this year, and perhaps more focused, but what a price to pay. Good riddance, 2004. Let's see what your child has in store for us. Perhaps this is finally the year? (Bah. Optimism is for the weak. ;-)

Remember Dave

seth@macrobyte.net — Thu, 17 Oct 2002 10:01:32 GMT

It's been one year since we said goodbye to Dave Bilello. Eric reminded me early this morning.

We still miss him, and we still imitate him at every opportunity. It's a salve for this wound that heals much too slowly.

Thinking about our loss -- his early rest -- still chokes me up, and brings a tear to my eye.

2001 was framed with the death of dear friends and punctuated with 911. What a lousy year.

Surprise Party!

seth@macrobyte.net — Sun, 01 Sep 2002 17:05:26 GMT

After meeting, Corinne and I came home to change our clothes then went to Gary and Ellyn's for a cookout. Gramma and Grampa are going back to Florida now that Summer is over (mostly), and they were leaving right after the cookout.

We walked into the yard, and Corinne yelled "Surprise!" then everybody else yelled it. I thought she was yelling "surprise" because we weren't extremely late (a bad habit we definitely have). Took me half a minute to realize that they were yelling it at *me*, and that the yard was decorated with "Happy 30th Birthday" decorations. Heh.

(My birthday is on the 9th.)

To make it even funnier, I'd just told her (on the way over to the cookout) that I'd like to have a family cookout next week for my birthday, but probably on Sunday so that I could still do a long ride on Monday as I've planned. We even joked that I'm the only person who could literally plan his own surprise party, because I'm so forgetful. (Get it?)

Wow, I can be so clueless sometimes. Corinne gets upset with me for figuring out secrets way ahead of time, but I had absolutely no idea this party was for me.

They had a cake for me, and on it was a photograph (inkjet printed with food coloring, a technology that is very cool) of a two-years-old Seth riding his first tricycle. My Mom said, "those were your first wheels." Very appropriate.

Presents included: a very nice Cuisinart coffee maker (the same one that everyone else in the family has), a bunch of coffee, a bean jar, a large mug, interesting hot sauces, a gift certificate to Bombay Spice & Grill, money, and lots of funny and/or sappy cards. Oh, and my parents gave me a silly little bell for my Bicycle, just as a gag. (They also gave me a new suit a couple weeks ago!)

The best present of all, though, was just having (almost) everybody together, happy, and relaxed. With all the travelling over the last couple weeks, I haven't seen most of them in awhile, and I'd missed them. I really appreciated this. A few people coudln't be there for various reasons: Mark was visiting his girlfriend in NH, Heather's in Canada, etc., but it was still a lot of fun and a great surprise.

(Most of the credit for the party apparently goes to Corinne, Ellyn, Mom, and Art. Thank you!)

A Night of Boggle and Mayhem

seth@macrobyte.net — Mon, 01 Apr 2002 17:34:18 GMT

Jed, Darren, and hopefully Mark will all be here for dinner and Big Boggle tonight. Corinne's whipped up a feast for us (of course), but if I know my wife she'll retire to parts-unknown.

It's "bosy's-night-in" tonight, and the din of shaking Boggle Dice will rattle the eardrums -- and the nerves -- of the townsfolk for a mile in every direction. Hopefully the shaking won't cuase a Major Event this time... I hate it when the military comes knocking on the door.

"Sorry, Captain. No, we're not firing automatic weapons. We're just playing Big Boggle again... you know how loud that can get, in the wrong hands."

New Year's Eve 2001

seth@macrobyte.net — Tue, 01 Jan 2002 18:00:33 GMT

Last night Corinne and I went to Jim & Dee Burns's house for the ecclesial New Year's gathering/party/devotional/shindig. The devotion, run by John and Heather Woodward, was based on a talk I gave in the first half of the year (that was a pleasant surprise, sometimes I wonder if anybody's still awake... I have the same problem here!).

A little exercise they devised for us all was picking someone's name out of a hat, and then writing on the piece of paper (with the name) something positive about that person. Very much a feel-good activity. Corinne and I were spooked at first because we both thought they were going to tell us to write down what we'd want for that person. We'd considered suggesting that, but hadn't, so it was weird that they even came close to it. (Incidentally, Bonny Pride and I usually pick each others' names for these little activities. Strange.)

Later, Ken Willis and I were talking in the Dining Room (near the chips and dips, of course), and he asked me about our financial situation. I told him that 2001 was horrible. It was like we (Corinne and I) were "walking hand-in-hand through the valley of the shadow of death" for most of the year.

Nobody warned us ahead of time that there was a monster in the valley called "financial woes". That beast tried very hard to pull our hands apart while it was also beating us each over the head with a club and making a lot of noise.

It almost beat us, honestly. Life was pretty dark for awhile, but we're still hand-in-hand (and heart-to-heart) and the monster seems to be shrinking. Finally. (Though he never really goes away, does he?)

For the first time in my experience, Ken didn't have much of anything to say. ;-) I don't think he expected such an honest and visual answer.

Thank God for family, friends, and above all a loving wife. That's my lesson from 2001.

This has been a Tough Week

seth@macrobyte.net — Fri, 19 Oct 2001 15:57:47 GMT

This has been a tough week. Dave's been on my mind almost constantly.

I think what bothers me the most is thinking about all the things he's not going to experience. That's not all of it, though... frankly, I'm going to miss him.

We'd been a lot less involved since I married Corinne, and of my closest friends he'd always been the "least close" (if that makes any sense).

I realized that fact last night. Then I completely freaked myself out by wondering how badly I'd be affected if someone even closer to me were to die, like one of my parents, or Jed or Sarah, or Darren, or Mark... or worst of all, Corinne.

Shudder...

Whoa, I think I'll avoid that one from now on. It's a pointless worry, anyway.

I know I'm not the only one feeling this way. Poor Karen, Dave's sister, is hurting a lot worse than I am. So is their dad. Jed and Mark lived with Dave for the last few years, while I've been making a life with Corinne... they're surely hurting a lot more than I am, too. Eric and Bonny were sort of a cross between Dave's best friends and a two-headed surrogate mother... I know Eric's miserable (but not constantly), because he wears his heart on his sleeve even more than I do. Darren is probably feeling an awful lot like I am (though he expresses it differently), which is more than I'd wish on anybody.

There's always hope, and I don't think any of us have forgotten or doubted that for a second. The pain comes from the loss we feel now. Hope doesn't make pain go away, it just helps you bear it and cope with it.

Tonight's the funeral, and tomorrow Dave will be buried on Long Island, presumably near his mother's grave. (I won't be at the burial.)

Corinne will be at the big cat show in New Jersey on Saturday and Sunday. I'm really, really hoping to spend time with a few people this weekend... hopefully they're all thinking the same way.

Go spend some time with the people you love, especially those you see the least. You just never know what tomorrow will bring.

Saying Goodbye to My Friend, Dave Bilello

seth@macrobyte.net — Wed, 17 Oct 2001 09:04:15 GMT

I just received a terrible phone call.

My friend and brother Dave Bilello died just a few minutes ago.

Shock, and tears, and sorrow... and maybe a little relief. He was suffering, badly, and now his nightmare is over.

And ours begins.

Dave is the crankiest, most caustic, most irritating, and without a doubt the funniest person I've ever known in my entire life. Every friend he has considers it a point of honor to be able to imitate him at the right moment.

He's a New Yorker, from Long Island.

Everybody loves Dave. Even (especially) those that couldn't stand him. He's a paradox: the attitude of a giant, or a jock, or a genius... impossibly stuffed into a small, frail, asthmatic, insomniac body.

Playing Basketball with Dave -- even just a game of HORSE! -- is a lesson in pain and humility. Elbows, man... sharpened to a razor's edge.

What Dave lacked in physique he more than made up for with his wit. There are certain things that one can say or do around anyone who knows him, which immediately bring Dave into the conversation. Some examples?

"Bicuspid of a Keebler Elf"
"Bicuspid of a Great White Shark"
"Nephie"
Making a loud thumping sound come from the floor, without appearing to move a muscle
"Clacking" his teeth, repeatedly
One quick, frustrated sigh... with his mouth half open
Wrecking his cars!
"I just want to get home alive!"

Dave and I were roommates for a few years. First we shared an apartment with Eric and Bonny Pride, and later with Mark Drake. When I moved out (work related), Jed took my place, and the three of them have lived there ever since.

I have so many memories of Dave... I've known him for most of my life. Things changed some after I met Corinne, but Dave's still one of the few people in my 'inner circle' of friends.

I don't want to believe it.

Sleep on now, Dave. Like those who went before you, we know you'll be back, better than ever before.

Romans 8:18-21
18* For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not
worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.
19* For the earnest expectation of the creature waiteth for the
manifestation of the sons of God.
20* For the creature was made subject to vanity, not willingly,
but by reason of him who hath subjected the same in hope,
21* Because the creature itself also shall be delivered from the
bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children
of God.