Truer Words - A Journal

Familial Update, and Grumpy Seth's Advice on Raising a Baby

seth@macrobyte.net — Sat, 03 May 2008 16:04:23 GMT

We're still moving, probably in October. The landlord is still planning to sell this place. It's a little stressful as we've lived here over 9 years (will be ten years in October) and I really like the neighborhood. Still, if we leave the house for more than a few minutes, then we're probably headed for Westerly. Moving over there will save us five or six gallons of gas and many hours of driving every week.

Corinne seems to be looking forward to it. I don't think it's entirely because the kitchen she'll be getting is thrice the size of what we have now, but that's probably a big part of it. ;-)

Business has been decent this year. Back in December, one client sent me some money to pre-pay for some work "to be decided." Work with Bare Bones has been steady, and I finally produced a working (though incomplete) module for YAML.

Shannon is no longer working two jobs. The second job, at a Hallmark (greeting cards) store, was paying minimum wage and only giving her 12 hours per week, so after a few weeks she told them she wouldn't be coming back.

Instead, she's going to school! She got Pell grants and various other forms of financial aid to cover almost all the costs of going to the Connecticut School for Massage Therapy. She started this week. It takes (I think) 18 months to get her certificate, and when she's done she'll finally have a real, employable skill for a job that pays a lot better than retail ever will.

She'll be about half done with her schooling when Mike comes home in January.

Thursday I went to court with her in Waterford for a "status update" on her appeal to get custody back of her son Richie. Richie's father, Dick S., decided to contest it. We went to the court thinking that she was going to walk out with custody papers, and instead all we know is that this is going to take longer than we first thought. (That's good, as we've asked Shannon not to rush this. We're already doing most of the work with Lauren. Neither of us mind that, but we're not ready to add another kid to the house.)

Corinne wanted pizza on Thursday night, so I was going to take Lauren with me to get it from Olympic Pizza in Norwich. Shannon came home from work early because (in her words), she "didn't feel like working," so she went with us. On the way, we had a talk about her relationship with Lauren.

Had very late second thoughts about posting the rest of this, so for now I've taken it out. Sorry...

Nobody's Home

seth@macrobyte.net — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 14:15:55 GMT

My grandparents needed some help with "things," so Ellyn (technically, my aunt... Dad's sister) asked Corinne to go down with her for a week. Originally they were going to drive, but (thankfully) I talked them out of that idea. They flew out Tuesday afternoon, and come back on Tuesday the 22nd.

With Corinne out of the house for a week, I can't sleep at home. (Shannon's 21, her husband won't be home for another nine months, and I don't want anybody getting the wrong idea.) Since I can't stay at home, I suggested they take Lauren with them also. Shannon and I both need to work, but one of us would have to take the week off to watch Lauren full time if she had stayed at home.

Thus, my first tweet of the day, yesterday, "Woke up alone in a strange house in a small bed, far from home." (The bed was in Ellyn's & Gary's guest room.)

For most of the week they're gone I'll be working from home, but mornings from Thursday to Saturday are at Rich's house. He and his family are out of town, so I'm making friends with his gigantic, 30-inch Cinema Display and officially Getting Stuff Done™. In the afternoons I'm heading home again, going for a ride (weather is PERFECT this week), then working at home until late evening when I head back into Westerly for the night.

Yeah, I'm missing my girls. :-(

Corinne and Ellyn both report that Lauren was a nightmare on the plane down there. She screamed more often than she was quiet, and just wouldn't settle down. She slept great Tuesday night, but terribly Wednesday night and awoke everyone except Gramma. When Corinne and I last spoke, Lauren was screaming in the background.

I think my girls miss me, too. ;-)

Shannon's son Richie was supposed to be up here now for a three day visit, but that was canceled at the last minute. So Shannon is bored, but has Saturday off and is going bowling with her friend Jen.

Quick status update on Shannon: she is now working a second job at a Hallmark store, and can't seem to decide between starting a cleaning business (simply because her Mom says she could make good money doing it) and going to school for massage therapy (which is what she really wants to do). I'm strongly in favor of the massage therapy (because, as I said, it's what she really wants to do), but she also wants to get her son back. If she's working one or two jobs and going to school for massage therapy, there won't be much time left for her kids. I'm hoping she'll just keep on keeping on until Mike comes home in January.

Toddling Along...

seth@macrobyte.net — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 19:16:16 GMT

Sunday afternoon while we drove up to Norwich to pick up pizza, Shannon and I "discussed" the fact that Lauren wasn't walking yet on her own. I said she'd walk when she was ready, and that it wouldn't be long. Probably this week.

After we returned home, she went down to take a shower, and I watched Lauren. Corinne joined us in the livingroom for a little while and we talked about it. Corinne agreed with me, and agreed that Lauren would be walking very soon. She sat down on the floor and we worked on it with Lauren for a few minutes.

Shannon came back up, and I pulled out the camera. "I think she's going to walk now." Shannon and Corinne sat down on the living room floor, but before I could even turn on the camera Lauren had already walked from Corinne to Shannon. D'oh!!

Not Sure About This

Ooh! A Toy!

Catch Me!

I Love This Here Piece of Floor

That Doesn't Look
Like a Carrot

So, these are not pictures of her very first steps, but they are pictures of her first steps on the day she first did it. Good enough, I hope.

On Monday I made a video of it, which you can see right here. It's very short, just 16 seconds.

(As always, if the pictures don't show up in email, go to the web site.)

Happy First Birthday, Lauren!

seth@macrobyte.net — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 03:35:02 GMT

This beautiful, happy, silly, little girl is one year old, as of today. It's almost impossible to believe.

We had the birthday party at the ecclesial hall in Westerly, today. Angi Drake decorated for us, and Rachel Carlson (Corinne's friend from work) made dozens of cupcakes and a special "teddy bear cake" for Lauren, which she demolished.

She got lots of presents from all of her "aunts and uncles." I'm making notes about who gave her gifts that make lots of noise. (I will repay...) ;-)

Possibly the best part of the day was that Shannon had permission to go to the party... in Rhode Island! She now has permission to cross the line with us on Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays. Yay!!

Most of the ecclesia was there, and I got some good shots (not just of Lauren). Check out the full set of pics in the flickr set, Laurens First Birthday Party.

Life, the Universe, and Everything

seth@macrobyte.net — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 15:18:37 GMT

Shannon started working last week at the Staples in New London.

Shannon's mom came up for the week with Shannon's son, Richie. For about half the week Richie was here with us, the other half he was with her mom. She also gave Shannon her manual-transmission Jeep. We're working on teaching Shannon to drive it. Shannon doesn't stall at every intersection, and she doesn't panic every time there's a car approaching on the right.

I have the flu.

The Blazer and Toyota are both on the road again. Knock knock.

Doris Sternberg, an old family friend and my mom's surrogate-mother for the last 20 years, died last night. She was quite old, and was loved by pretty much everybody. (I remember picking Aunt Doris up at her apartment every Wednesday night when I was a teenager in NH, to drive her to Bible class.) She'll be missed, terribly, but we know we'll see her again.

Lauren and Shannon have started to come to an understanding. Shannon's forcing it a little, but babies adapt very quickly. All Shannon really cares about right now is that Lauren start calling her "mommy" ASAP. Sigh.

She's even trying to compete with us for Lauren's attention, though I'm not sure she's aware of it. (And, it's a very one-sided competition.) Example: yesterday Lauren had some toy in her hand, and was holding it out to me. Every time I put out my hand so she could give it to me, she'd snatch it back and smile devilishly. Shannon saw it happen and immediately started asking, "Can I have it? Lauren, can I have it?" Lauren gave it to her, and Shannon showered her with praise and thank-you's. ::shrug::

Corinne is thinking about Shane even more than usual, these days, as we approach the anniversary. It all starts with the Super Bowl (which, in 2004, was when we started seeing a lot of him again). She went through a really bad patch last week when Richie was here and she was feeling overwhelmed, but she's better now.

I plan to start asking for donations for the PMC software auctions this month.

I'm sorry that updates have been so few and far between this year. I barely have time to live this life, never mind write about it.

I've Had a Day... But Shannon is Home

seth@macrobyte.net — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 15:57:19 GMT

I woke up Wendesday morning about 1 second before the alarm, at 6:44:59 am.

Corinne had asked me not to wake her (or Lauren). Lauren has had a really bad cold, and I had to leave at about 8 so "please just let us both sleep in."

Did some reading. At 7:30 I tried to wake Corinne anyway. We needed to pick up the pickup (heh) at the garage, so she'd have a car to meet us in Norwich at noon. "Mom and Dad will bring me," she mumbled, eyes still closed, before rolling over and going back to sleep.

I called Dad. He would have their car up in Providence all morning. So, at 7:45 I left the house on foot and walked the mile to the garage, and drove the yota home. Corinne was up when I returned, and clearly felt pretty guilty about not getting up. "I thought that must be what you had done," she said when i told her I had walked. I wasn't upset with her, though. She and Shane are/were both very difficult to awaken in the morning.

After switching Lauren's car seat into the Toyota and topping off the Blazer's radiator (there's a leak in the cooling system, somewhere), I left in the Blazer at about 8:25.

Corinne called me at some point. She told me that Steve, our landlord, had been to the house this morning. With a real estate agent. They are going to sell the house, and we'll have to move. We've been here for about 9 1/2 years. OY!

Arrived at Quinlan Cottage (the halfway house where Shannon lived for the last five months) at a little after 10. She was out on the porch with a couple other girls, waiting for me. "Yay!" she yelled, clapping.

The four of us (including the two that were on the porch with her) carried her stuff out to the car. Good grief! She went to prison with nothing but the clothes on her back, and I literally packed the truck full of her stuff for the trip home.

We left at about 10:30.

Shannon and I talked for a little while, and I had her read a letter that Corinne wrote that explained her feelings about last week's "issues." After she read the letter, she said, "I'm going to make you guys proud. No more screwing up, I'm tired of people always being disappointed with me."

Stopped at a highway rest area to get something to eat (and pit stop). Shannon's treat! ;-)

I called Corinne (or she called me, I don't remember) to tell her we'd be in Norwich at about noon.

At a few minutes after 12, we pulled into the parking lot at the Norwich parole office. There was a guy there getting into his car... very slowly. Very, very slowly. Clearly he was waiting for us to get out so he could say something. So, we got out, and he said, "Are you here for parole?" Yes. "Ok. Because you can only park here if you're here for parole." Yes, we're really here for parole. I pointed at Shannon.

So I turned it around on him. "Are you Mark?"

Heh. He looked very confused for a couple seconds. "Ohhhh... oh! You're here to see me." He looked at his watch. "And you're right on time. I'm heading out to Middletown to pick someone up." (So in other words, he was leaving right as we were supposed to show up.) "Go home, and I'll be there in a few hours."

After searching the parking lot for the Toyota, we left hoping to find her on our way home. Instead, we found her in the next parking lot up the hill, just pulling into a space. Hugs all around, then I explained what happened and Corinne and I switched trucks for the drive home so Corinne and Shannon could chat a little. I predicted that Ossifer Sarsfeld would show up at our house around 4.

Arrived at home, lugged all the stuff into the house, had a late lunch, and put Lauren down for her nap.

I was trying to work in my office (in the basement) at 4:20 when I heard the loud knock on the front door. Told shannon he was here, and ran up to answer the door then found Corinne back in the bedroom.

Shannon is not under normal parole, she's under a program called "Transitional Supervision" (TS). She's still technically a prisoner. She's not allowed to leave the state or drive without permission. Not allowed to be near drugs or firearms. Any violation results in immediate return to the clink. He said he will ask his superiors about an exception to allow her to go to Westerly (where our 'church' is) thrice a week, but he was pretty clear that she woudln't be able to take the job she'd been (almost) promised at the Westerly Staples.

She's also required to get a job. So the standard policy is: you must have a job, but you're not allowed to drive. Nice.

We'll find out about the "exception" (to allow Shannon into Westerly) next Wednesday, when she has her first weekly appointment with him in Norwich.

After he left I spent a few hours working on my class, had dinner with Shannon and Lauren (Corinne never eats dinner at a regular hour, even though she cooks it for me almost every day), then left for class (where I was teaching) at 7:15. Class started at 8, finished at 9, and I was home at 10 and in bed a little after 11.

As I said: I had a day. In fact it feels more like two or three days jammed into one.

Shannon's Troubles, Lousy System, Rule Enforcement

seth@macrobyte.net — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 16:11:12 GMT

The good news is that nothing (new) is wrong with Shannon. She simply took the afternoon off work to hang out with some friends.

Of course, that's totally against the rules. Either she got the day (or afternoon) off from Staples and they were covering for her every time I called (entirely possible, as they know her situation), or she did this without even telling them she wouldn't be back after lunch. Plus, it's entirely against the rules of the halfway house: she's still technically a prisoner, and only has permission to go to work and doctor's offices.

"Hanging out with friends" and being very susceptible to peer pressure is, in many ways, what got Shannon into this situation in the first place.

My understanding is that her case worker (counsellor?) at the house had only three options: send her back to regular prison for the rest of her term, give her an infraction ticket (wrist slap), or scold her but do nothing. It appears that she chose the third option.

Shannon's biggest issue is that she's very selfish, thinks only about what will make her happy now, and doesn't care about long term consequences. The proof is that she would do this knowing that she was already a month beyond her scheduled parole date, and that we were just waiting for the home inspection.

Her counselor was supposed to tell her that I wasn't coming down. She just called me to ask if I was still coming. This was my first chance to talk to her.

All she did was drive around Norwalk with her friend Jen, wasting gas for the day. She had the day off from work, so I was right that Staples was just covering for her. Three different people at Staples covered for her, including the manager. Wow.

I've said from the very beginning (including in my letter to the Judge) that the things Mike and Shannon need to learn are not going to be taught in prison. She needs strong role models, discipline, and guidance. At the halfway house, all she has is a bunch of people that believe "bad" means "got caught." (Including the staff!)

People — especially kids — only learn from their mistakes if there are consistent consequences for making them, for breaking the rules.

For example (and I talked to Sean and Jim about this last year, so they may remember it), let's say you have a rule in your house: no bouncing balls in the house. Do you enforce the rule (issue some sort of punishment) for breaking the rule, or do you just tell him to knock it off? In my experience, most parents don't really enforce the rule until the bouncing ball annoys them or the kid breaks a lamp.

Which means, of course, that the rule was "don't annoy your parents" or "don't break a lamp."

The rules at the halfway house include, "don't go anywhere except pre-approved places, and come straight home afterwards" and "don't lie to the staff." Shannon broke the first rule by hanging out with a friend for the day instead of working (and I'm betting this was not anywhere near the first time), and did it by telling the staff that she had to work that day when she wasn't even scheduled.

I'm not writing this to suggest that I'm giving up. Corinne and I talked about it last night... she's close to wanting to give up, but I've reminded her that we never thought Shannon would learn anything (good) by going to prison. It's going to be up to us to straighten her out when she comes home.

Next week.

This means we're going to need strong ground rules, and some way to enforce them.

(At least she's ok. That was concern number one.)

Shannonigans

seth@macrobyte.net — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 20:12:51 GMT

This morning we got a call from a CT Parole Officer. He wanted to do the "home inspection" to make sure we have a safe, legal environment for Shannon to be released into for parole. We've been waiting for this call for about a month now. The officer said he would be here between 2 and 3 PM.

I tried to call Shannon at work (Staples in Norwalk, CT) to let her know it was finally happening, but they said she wasn't there yet.

The parole officer showed up at 11:30. I figured he'd be early, as they want to make sure they're not releasing her into a house of druggies, weapons, etc. They show up early so they can surprise you in the middle of hiding stuff or cleaning up. We have nothing to worry about in that regard, of course, but the cats had just knocked over one of their food bowls, and Lauren's stuff is EVERYWHERE. Still, baby-related clutter is not considered dangerous (if only they knew!).

He disagreed with almost everything we said, mentioned proudly that he's a full law enforcement officer with a gun and a badge (even grabbed at his gun so we'd know where he hides it under his jacket), and said that the halfway house "lied to your faces" about Shannon being able to get a job at Staples in our area. "Yes, she has to get a job or she'll go back to prison, but it won't be at Staples. She'll have to work at a place like the car wash where I just washed my car."

He "approved" us and the house, and said we should expect a call from her parole officer tomorrow (he even gave us his name, as he was already assigned).

I didn't like him (the guy inspecting us), but I don't have to. He's not there to be liked, just to make sure the house is safe and that we really do want to sponsor her. He was gone in less than 30 minutes, but he pushed enough of my buttons that I then had a small argument with Corinne about something as trivial as how I answered one of his questions. Growl.

After he left I tried to call Shannon at work, again. This time they told me that she was too busy to talk to me. I told them this was very important. They said they would have her call back. (Shannon calls me in my office or at home all the time, and knows both numbers by heart.)

At about 2:30, her new parole officer called. (Maybe these guys are just perpetually early. If so, they should be running the whole state government.) He gave me a date and time to pick her up at the halfway house: one week from today, in the morning. Excellent! From there we bring her straight to her orientation at the parole office in Norwich (for all of us), then we can bring her home. He also mentioned that subsequent visits will be in New London, which is a bit closer.

I called Staples a third time, and told them I have an important message for Shannon and must speak to her. "I'm sorry, she's not here." I pressed him, and he said she hadn't come back from lunch. "Do you mean she quit?" I asked. "No, no! We don't know what happened. She just didn't come back."

Oy.

So I called the halfway house, hoping she had gone back there. First I told them who I was, and that Shannon's parole had finally been approved. I gave them the name of the officer, and the date and time we'd be picking her up. I told two people, and the second was her actual case worker, who was pretty excited for her. I told them that I'd tried to call Shannon at Staples to let her know, but that she hadn't come back from lunch and I was hoping I could talk to her there at the house.

She wasn't there. They didn't actually set off an alarm, but they might as well have. There's a phrase they use to describe someone who disppears, even just for an hour, when living at one of these halfway houses: "Escaped Prisoner" or "Escaped Convict." In the background, I could hear people using the words, "possible escapee."

They took my office number and said they would call back when they knew anything so I wouldn't have to worry. That was about an hour ago. I'm worrying.

In fact, I am currently as stressed and anxious as I can remember being in the last couple of years.

It's possible that nothing significant happened. She sometimes has appointments with her doctor, dentist, or therapist. She may have forgotten to tell them that she wouldn't be back right away. If that's the case, or something like it, then they'll slap her wrist and be done with it.

Blood pressure guages within five miles of my house are all going haywire while I wait for news.

New 50mm Lens for My Sony Alpha A100

seth@macrobyte.net — Sun, 02 Dec 2007 21:55:24 GMT

Remember the new camera I bought when Lauren was born? I bought the Sony because it was the only modern DSLR that would work with my old lenses from my Minolta. It's not the greatest camera in the world, but thousands of shots later I'm still pretty happy with it.

My biggest problem with this camera has been related to shooting portraits. Most of my pictures are of people (especialy Lauren, but not exclusively), which was certainly not the case when I bought my lenses in the 90's. I have three zoom lenses: one wide angle, and two telephoto; all three are Tamron zooms.

The brightest and fastest is a ƒ2.7 @ 20mm to ƒ3.5 @ 40mm. I could live with the ƒ2.7, but 20mm is too wide for portrait work. ƒ3.5 @ 40mm was the best I could do with this one. However, the lens is in pretty good shape (not great, but pretty good), and it certainly wasn't designed for portrait work. If I'm going to sell any of my lenses, it'll be this one.
At the other end of the spectrum, there's my gigantic bazooka of a lens. It's a ƒ5.6 that ranges from 200mm to 400mm. It's a beast, and is designed solely for outdoor wildlife shots in bright sunlight. It's not in great shape, either. I'll probably sell this one for less than $200. Useless for portraits.
My workhorse lens, and the one I used for most everything this year, is a 28-200mm, ƒ3.8-ƒ5.6. Can't really use it indoors without a flash, but I have a big Minolta 3500xi which is bright enough to tan an albino. But that means that most of my pictures have to use the flash, and part of the "art" of photography is capturing the light as you see it, not what things look like in harsh glare of a small sun attached to your camera.

I made do. My primary subject is totally adorable, so this wasn't difficult. A great subject can make up for a lot of other "issues."

Still, I am and always have been interested in photography itself. All along I've known that a better lens, designed for portraits, would only make for better pictures. Having never taken any classes (nor really read any books), I didn't really know what "better" meant other than lower ƒ-stops (faster).

Earlier this year, John Gruber talked (on his site, and in Twitter) a lot about 50mm lenses. He linked to some articles written by pros. The lessons I pulled from them were that to learn better photography you should start with a 50mm (or thereabouts) lens, ƒ1.4 or ƒ1.7. No zooming, and preferably no flash. Learn to work with the most basic elements of photography first, then go back to your zooms and flashes.

Sony's 50mm lens is expensive, and we don't have the money for it. So I looked on eBay for something that would work. I found one, and made the ridiculously low bid of $26. A few days later, I'd won. Surprise!

With shipping it was only about $33, and a couple days later it was in my hands. But not on my camera. It was the wrong mount. I knew that Minolta lenses worked on the Sony, but I didn't know that Minolta had an older mount that was incompatible. Oops.

The seller was more than helpful. We talked things over, and I told him the story (the whole thing!) of the old camera, Mike and Shannon, Lauren, the smashing of the Nikon, the new camera, all of it. He pointed out that the lens I need is much more expensive than the one he sold me. (I knew that, which is why I was so surprised that he sold it to me for so little… but I was confused.)

He surprised me by giving me the lens I need in trade for his original lens. So I now have a 50mm Minolta AF ƒ1.7 lens, for $26 (plus two shipping fees).

"He" is V. John Paloulian and totally deserves a link. If you're in the market for some used camera equipment and want a very knowledgeable and friendly seller, please check out his goods first. (He didn't say, but I'm guessing that he runs some sort of a camera shop, based on his list of products.)

I've only had the lens for a day, so I don't have a lot to show for it yet. All the pictures I took yesterday of my new niece Lydia (and actually one of my Dad, which happens to be one of my favorite pictures ever) used that lens. I'm delighted with it so far, but I'm still learning. There's a huge difference in the field depth between ƒ4 and ƒ1.7, and some of those pictures of Lydia show that I'm still, uh, "experimenting."

I Am A Comedy of Errors

seth@macrobyte.net — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 17:09:42 GMT

Yesterday afternoon I went for a ~31 mile bike ride. Due to weather and travel, it was my first ride in eight days.

When I ride, I put a cheap cell phone, my debit card, and an old license in a zip-lock bag, and put the bag in a jersey pocket. I can pick up Gu, Gatorade or a new tube if needed, or I can call Corinne for a pick-up. If I'm knocked out (as happened nine years ago), the old license will tell people who I am.

After a ride, I put the bag on the shelf by my bike. I'm all sweaty, so pulling everything out of the bag at that moment would defeat the purpose of the bag.

Well, this morning I awoke Lauren at 7:20 so we could drive up to see her dad (Mike) during the morning visiting hours, and still be home in time for a few hours of work and another short ride. First stop: the Dunkin Donuts right up the street, for coffee. I waited in line for ten minutes (grr), and then — at the window — realized I didn't have my wallet. They know me, and told me to just take it.

Drove back to the house, grabbed my wallet from the shelf next to my bike (in the garage), and left again. Corinne just shook her head. I could hear her thinking, "That's my husband!"

We needed gas, but were running a little late so decided I'd go back to pay for the coffee this afternoon, and just head for the prison in Somers, CT. Plenty of gas stations on the way (the Dunkin Donuts is at a gas statiion).

The first, just three miles from the house, was closed for renovations. So, we continued to Norwich and stopped at a big, new Citgo. Grabbed my wallet, hopped out to pump the gas, and as I opened it I had something like a daydream, a vision, of my debit card (and only credit card) waiting patiently in a zip-lock bag. On the shelf. Next to my bike.

Sigh. We'll try again tomorrow morning.

(At breakfast yesterday morning, Rich argued with me that I should always keep a little cash in my wallet. "Don't need it," I said, "I just use my card for everything." D'oh!)

Visit with Shannon, and Her Therapist

seth@macrobyte.net — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 20:54:51 GMT

Corinne, Lauren and I drove to Norwalk for a visit with Shannon and her therapist, yesterday.

Though she still hates the whole experience, she has decided (or perhaps "realized") that discipline and structure are good for her. The therapist was there to express Shannon's hope that we'll provide some of that when she comes home.

She's coming home, we think, on December 26th. That's the date she's been given, and will most likely be under a program called "Transitional Supervision." Essentially, she's still a ward of the state. She'll be required to have and keep a full time job, and will be monitored very closely. But most important is that she'll be here, with us and her daughter.

Anyway, she's worried that she'll fall back into her old habits when she comes home. She has no resistance to peer pressure, and said that the first time she hangs out with her old friends she'll end up smoking pot (or worse).

We all agreed to a few simple rules. First, her friends can't come to the house. Our home is a sanctuary: ours first, and hers as long as she chooses to live here. Second, she's going to take care of her kids (both Lauren and her son, Richie) when she's home, and she won't bring the kids anywhere that they "shouldn't be" (such as where her friends might be drinking or smoking pot). Third, she's going to do what she can to support herself and her kids with the money from her job, and will work to pay off their old debts. We'll help her figure out a budget once we know what her income looks like. If she can also help with Mike's ongoing expenses while he's still 'away', she will.

The therapist rubbed me wrong at first, but we both relaxed eventually and it was a good meeting.

Afterwards, we gave Shannon a ride to Staples so she could show Lauren off to all of her coworkers. (Thus these pictures of her and Lauren in front of the store.) Then another quick ride to the Starbucks parking lot. From there she walked the mile and a half back to the halfway house, pushing the stroller and lugging the diaper bag, so she could have Lauren to herself for a couple hours. (We weren't supposed to drive her at all, but it was a few miles from the Therapist's office to Staples. The traffic was heavy and it was sprinkling.)

I worked from Starbucks for ninety minutes while Corinne ran over to Carters for some baby clothes (immediately after telling Shannon that we never need to buy clothes for Lauren because others have been so generous). We grabbed some lunch at Stew Leonard's, picked up Lauren at a few minutes after 2 PM, and were home again a little after 4 PM.

New Lauren Photos, with Shannon!

seth@macrobyte.net — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 11:09:10 GMT

I already mentioned that I brought Lauren to see her Mom at the halfway house last week. I took some pictures (they're on Flickr now, see the current end of the Lauren set) while I was there, and now they're up on Flickr. Lauren, her big brother Richie, and Shannon, all together! I think Mike (Lauren's Daddy) is going to cry when he sees these. ;-)

Wow that kid is cute.

Sometimes I'm Hopeless

seth@macrobyte.net — Fri, 24 Aug 2007 00:53:40 GMT

Now that Shannon is in a halfway house, she can have Lauren stay with her for short periods of time. Unfortuantely, she's all the way on the other side of the state, so it's not an easy drive and we haven't seen her (and she hasn't seen her daughter) since the very beginning of the month.

Late this morning I drove Lauren down to stay with her mom for a couple of nights. The drive is a little under two hours if the traffic isn't bad, so you have to pick your time carefully (as Route 95 in CT is one of the busiest corridors in the U.S.).

Shannon was very happy to see Lauren, and her son Richie is there right now also (delivered by her dad on his way through, and he's actually there for more than a week). I even took some pictures, which will make Mike *very* happy.

Shannon (and Richie) helped me unload the car.

I visited for about twenty minutes, then drove home. Worked for a few hours, then went for a late decompression ride at about 6 PM.

When I came home a few minutes after 7:30, Corinne was very upset (with me). I forgot about Lauren's suitcase, and left it in the car when I drove home. She only had the diaper bag with 9 diapers, two changes of clothes and enough formula for two feedings.

Oh. My. Word. :-(

Life Is Pain, Princess

seth@macrobyte.net — Fri, 27 Jul 2007 16:49:48 GMT

Lauren is teething. Her gums are swollen, and she spends a lot of her time gnawing on anything within reach or sucking on her own gums.

Last night Corinne told me that she had only eaten about eight ounces all day, so I finally broke out the Infant Tylenol and gave her a miniscule 0.4mg. Ten minutes later she had stopped gnawing and was screaming in hunger. Success! (One minute after that, she was finishing off a four ounce bottle.)

An hour later we were visiting Shannon at the prison. Lauren drank another seven ounces and promptly fell asleep on Shannon's lap. She was sleeping deeply, and — this being the first time I've given medicine to a baby — I was paranoid. Shannon just laughed at me. "She's fine, relax!"

Today was different, though. Lauren's insurance is finally straightened out (Corinne only had to strangle three state workers, so I guess it wasn't that bad), and this morning was her first doctor's appointment.

Shots!!!

Three of them, in fact. Two in one leg, one in the other. She looked startled after the first, but screamed in pain after the second and third.

The tears flowed heavily, but eventually Corinne calmed down. Lauren only cried for a minute, and then happily drank half of a bottle (I guess the gums don't hurt so much compared to the needles). I mopped up both of their tears with one of Lauren's bibs.

“Life is pain, princess. Anyone who says differently is selling something.” (Sorry about the slight misquote.)

Visiting Mike

seth@macrobyte.net — Thu, 31 May 2007 19:16:19 GMT

No ride today (though I did 40 yesterday), because I'm going to visit Mike.

"But wait," you say, "I thought Mike's prison was only fifteen minutes away! Why would a short evening trip like that prevent you from riding your bike in the afternoon?"

Well, first of all, you obviously have a great memory since I haven't talked about that in awhile. Congratulations.

Second, Mike has been moved. To Osborn CI, a prison that is all the way up on the MA border. Here are directions from my place to the Osborn Correctional Institute.

Ugh!

He needs the visit, and we miss him. We haven't seen him since he was taken out of Radgowski almost three weeks ago. Still... with traffic it's going to take almost two hours each way!

First Visit with Shannon

seth@macrobyte.net — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 17:28:56 GMT

Last night, Corinne and I packed up the baby and made the 25 minute drive down to the York Women's Correctional Facility in Niantic. They wouldn't tell us over the phone if we were on the visitor list or not, and they told Shannon that her request for that information could take up to 15 days, so we decided to just chance it. After all, she hadn't seen anyone from the "outside" since a few days after the sentencing on March 12th.

The prison was locked down. No visits on the second Tuesday of the month. The gate guard suggested we never try to visit on Tuesdays. Sigh.

So we drove from there to Uncasville, to visit Mike at Radgowski (he was moved there from Corrigan a couple weeks ago).They weren't locked down, but I'm a dope. I left my wallet in the pickup, and there are no visits without photo ID. Aaaaaargh! (Even if York hadn't been locked down, I couldn't have gone in, for the same reason.)

They didn't know we were coming, so we weren't letting them down (especially Shannon, since there was no way to see her).

Driving home, I decided that I'd bring Lauren to see Shannon first thing in the morning while Corinne was still sleeping. Lauren was ten days old the last time she held her, and now she's forty-one days.

I had to wait about twenty minutes while they found Shannon and brought her to the meeting room. Then they let me in.

When the door opened, Shannon burst into tears of joy. Everybody watched, congratulated her, told her how beautiful the baby is, and honestly paid us more attention for much of the time we were there than I expected (this includes the guards and the other inmates and visitors).

I thought that visits were limited to an hour. (I need to give up on that whole “thinking” thing, it just isn't working out for me.)

Shannon's grandmother was due to arrive at our house at 10:00 to see Lauren for the first time since the day at court. I knew I was going to return home later than that, but if the visit went from 8:45 - 9:45, I thought I'd be home by 10:30. She'd understand.

Nope. You can visit until the morning "social visit" is over. I could have left early, but that would have meant taking Lauren out of her mother's arms. That just wasn't going to happen. Of course, there's no way to make any calls, so Corinne and the grandmother just had to wait it out.

We managed to keep a conversation rolling through most of the visit. She was just so very happy to see *anyone*, and that the someone had her baby in his arms certainly didn't hurt any, that she was happy to talk about anything at all. (Not that Shannon is ever difficult to talk to. She's not.)

The ladies (Corinne and Lauren's grandmother) were a little upset at my tardiness when I called on the way home, but they both understood when I explained all of the above, and that Shannon had specifically said, "My grandmother will understand."

(In fact, she said that with the sense of, "she'd better understand." ;-)

First Visit with Mike

seth@macrobyte.net — Sat, 31 Mar 2007 23:59:31 GMT

Mike has been moved out of Corrigan and into Radgowski (sp), which is a lower security, somewhat less hostile place.

His visitor list is set up: Mark and Michelle, Eric, Lauren, Corinne and myself. That leaves one opening, which will be taken by my Dad as soon as we can get another copy of the visitor form.

Corinne and I visited Mike on Friday afternoon for an hour, and brought Lauren with us. He's doing ok, considering. He keeps saying the same thing about being in prison: "Our (his and Shannon's) rehabilitation is on hold while we're in here."

They really were making progress with us, but I don't actually see it as on hold. We're going to keep working with them both as much as we can. The big difference now is that we have a "captive" audience. ;-)

Shannon's list isn't set up yet, because they had her in the medical ward (suicide watch, basically, because the incarceration meant she was separated from her brand new baby) when she first got there and so she couldn't even have a pencil to fill out the visitor forms. It's been a few weeks, she's in with the general population, and the forms have all been sent in. Hopefully her list will be set up next week.

Then, finally, we hope to find some rhythm again. For the last few months, everything has been so chaotic!

A New Stage In Life

seth@macrobyte.net — Wed, 14 Mar 2007 00:18:28 GMT

The sentencing didn't go particularly well. Mike was sentenced to 22 months, Shannon to 20. This wasn't a surprise, but it was a disappointment: as we came to know them, we understood them (including how and why they did what they did); with understanding came care and eventually love; with love came hope (for a light sentence)... and with all of the continuances, hope turned into a sort of positive thinking, a groundless belief that they wouldn't really "go away" for so long.

But once we were there, it was clear that the hope had simply provided a chance for them to experience something like a "normal life" for a couple of months. Their lawyers both told them that it didn't look good... it was really a 'vain hope.'

I won't go into all the gory details. The judge thanked me for our letter and acknowledged that he had read it. I hope it had something to do with his decision to shave a few months off of both of their sentences.

Our relationship with Mike and Shannon started with, "We're going to prison for two years, would you take care of our baby while we're gone?" Everything that happened while they were here was good for all of us in many ways, but in the end it worked out almost exactly as it started: theyv'e gone away for almost two years, and we're raising their baby. (Who, not coincidentally, is sleeping on me as I write this.)

Policy in the CT state prison system is that non-violent offenders can be released on parole after 50% of their sentence has been served. Emphasis on "can be."

So now we start a new stage in our lives... one where Corinne and I get to raise a baby as our own, together, for the first time (Shane was already fifteen when we met). We'll make sure Lauren knows her parents by taking her to visit them as often as we can, realistically (that will probably mean one on one week, the other the next week).

One last thing: Mike had a message that he asked me to pass on to everyone: they started a new life when they came to live with us, and regardless of when it happens, they'll continue down that new road when they come home again. (He also said, very clearly, that he's very happy to have a home. He even gave me permission to go into "his room" to get stuff for the baby!)

Crazy, Crazier, Craziest Days

seth@macrobyte.net — Mon, 12 Mar 2007 16:38:54 GMT

I already mentioned that this weekend is the anniversary. That makes it, officially, the most emotionally demanding and draining weekend of the year, every year (followed by Shane's birthday, Corinne's birthday, Mother's Day, and Thanksgiving).

Here's what else has been piled up on this weekend, in life's attempt to drive us crazy:

Shannon's son Richie (two and a half) and her Mom are visiting from North Carolina. Richie is staying here for the weekend. He's a delight, but he's still a two year old... and that adds a layer of craziness to an already crazy weekend.
One of our cats, Xodus, vanished without a trace at some time on Sunday. These cats never go outside, and Xodus was just spayed a week ago Saturday. She has never tried to escape before, and has never vanished for more than a couple of hours (usually by hiding under some furniture). We're totally stumped! Of course, considering the weekend, it would have to be one of Corinne's favorite cats. Obviously.
With family here, the Deane's have had this crazy schedule because everybody wants to see the baby and "wish them well" for what's coming tomorrow...
The big court date is tomorrow (Tuesday). I've described it as a brick wall that we see approaching, and which we know we're going to hit. We can't avoid it, have no idea what's going to happen, but at least we had time to think and prepare for it. If only we could see what's on the other side!
Today we took "temporary guardianship" of little Lauren Deane. The papers are filed with the probate court, and everything seems to be in order. If Mike and Shannon (God Forbid) both go to prison, at least the baby will have a loving home.

Notice that we really have very little control over most of this crazy weekend. The two biggest things (anniversary and sentencing) are totally out of our control, we wouldn't (and couldn't) keep Shannon from her family for any reason, and we agreed months ago that we'd take care of this baby if the need arose.

But wait, there's more! Last night, as we were turning the house upside down trying to find Xodus, Mike and Shannon asked us if we'd be Lauren's "godparents." Though the timing and wording were somewhat awkward, the thought they expressed — that if something ever happens to them, they want us to raise Lauren as our own — was very touching. We agreed, of course. Then we continued turning the house upside down.

With so much stress, and so many things (this weekend) that I must "accept that I can not change," I decided the best thing for me was a bike ride. So I went out for 32 miles. My speed was somewhere between molasses and cold honey.

There's nothing like the cyclist's high to help you enjoy your ride on the tornado.

It Was Time for a New Camera

seth@macrobyte.net — Thu, 08 Mar 2007 19:41:33 GMT

Lauren was born Friday morning at 7:48 am. One of the nurses demolished my camera that night, when she pulled it from the top of the entertainment center in Shannon's room to the tile floor six feet below.

That was the end of my Nikon Coolpix 950, a wonderful camera that had grown a little long in the tooth. (Still, my biggest complaint about it was that it was too difficult to get pictures from it to the computer. USB had been around for a while when we bought that camera in 99. That is also the most common complaint you'll see about the 950 in old reviews reviews.)

I borrowed Eric & Bonny's Canon Rebel for the weekend. Excellent camera, which we used pretty heavily for a few days to get shots like this and this. (Shannon has some talent... she took the best shots.)

Monday we were bringing the baby home, and the Prides needed their camera back for a trip to Boston. I needed to buy a camera.

See, back in '93 and '94, I had a lot of money, wasn't married and had almost no expenses ($185/mo rent!). I splurged on camera equipment, and ended up with thousands of dollars in lenses. Then I went digital in 99 when Corinne bought the Coolpix 950 for my birthday. For the next seven or eight years I rarely touched the old camera and lenses.

With all the D-SLR's out there now, I figured I should be able to find something that would work with all of those lenses.

The lenses are all Minolta AF mount, from Tamron. Problem: Minolta stopped making D-SLR's a year ago.

I searched for clues about cameras that use the same mounting system, or adaptors that would let me use my Minolta AF lenses with another camera (preferably a Nikon D200). I knew my chances were slim to none when I started... but the surprise was that I couldn't find any useful information! There are way too many junk "digital photography" sites on the web.

The closest camera shop (with which I was familiar) was Ritz Camera, in the mall. Ugh. Already late to pick up "the family" at the hospital (but under orders from everybody to HAVE A CAMERA WHEN THE BABY COMES HOME!), I went to Ritz hoping they'd have some solution for my problem.

The only clerk in the store was also the owner. It took her 25 minutes to "get to me," but when I explained my problem she said, "Here, this is the one you want," and handed me a Sony Alpha A100.

I bought it. Body only, since I didn't need the lens.

Apparently when Minolta decided they couldn't compete in the D-SLR market with the likes of Nikon and Canon, they sold their technology to Sony. The A100 is (basically) a Minolta model that was never released... Sony just rebranded and tweaked it a little.

I'm very happy with it. :-)

(To the right are some of my favorites-so-far, which I shot with the new camera.)

More Baby Pictures

seth@macrobyte.net — Mon, 05 Mar 2007 04:55:02 GMT

There are a lot more where this one came from, but this is one of my favorites.

She knows Kung Fu. ;-) Make sure you read the captions, at least for the three kung fu shots. :-D

Meet Lauren Deane

seth@macrobyte.net — Sat, 03 Mar 2007 03:46:43 GMT

Lauren Santana Deane was born at around 8:00 this morning, weighing six pounds fifteen ounces (3.15 kilograms) and measuring 19 and 1/2 inches long. Here are pictures of her first day. (I've left out the really, really early ones, where she's totally nekkid and screaming her head off.)

Yeah, that's right, she's a small fry. But she's adorable, and already has four full grown adults wrapped around her cute little fingers.

And check out that head of hair. Whoo!

(Yes, B.A., I know you don't think babies are cute. If you don't think Lauren is cute or pretty, it's ok to not tell me. ;-)

I sat out in the waiting room from 5:45 this morning until they finally let me into the room at 11:15... and even that was only by special request of Mike and Shannon. Visiting hours didn't start until noon, and the nurse made sure I was very clear on that point. (I hadn't asked for early access, so I don't know why she made such a big deal of it).

Corinne came back after her dentist appointment, sometime before 1. I took Mike out for lunch, and then Corinne and I went home for the afternoon. She got some sleep, i ran errands and worked for a couple hours.

After assembling a care package (food for Mike, toiletries they had both forgotten here at the house, and "Ring Dings" for Shannon by special request), we went back to the hospital for a little while.

Unfortunately, this is when I realized Lauren's first day would also be my camera's last. Mike had been using it with the AC cord because the batteries were worn out, but at this moment it was sitting on top of the entertainment center, about 6 feet off the ground. (You know what's coming next, right?) The nurse opened the door, reached in and grabbed a rolling lamp from next to the tv. She started pulling it towards the door, and I heard the camera sliding across the top of the entertainment center. The cord was on the wrong side of the lamp... but it was too late. SLAM!! Pieces scattered all over the room, and my Nikon Coolpix 950 was no more.

The real irony of this was that we had just — I mean, just moments earlier — been talking about the age of my camera and what a total pain it is to get pictures off of it and onto the computer. With a new baby in the house, we have good reason to consider buying a new camera.

Well, now we have another reason to consider it. :-(

Hospitalized!

seth@macrobyte.net — Fri, 02 Mar 2007 09:57:19 GMT

Today's the day! I brought Mike and Shannon to the hospital this morning... they were told yesterday to be here by 5:30 AM.

Yeah. 5:30 AM.

That meant getting up at 4:30.

Corinne is still sleeping, even as I write this. She's getting up at 6 and planning to be over here by 7:30, which is when they're doing the c-section. She's hoping she'll have a chance to at least see the baby before she has to go back to Mystic to have some "bridge work" done on her teeth.

I need to find a better waiting room. There's no power in here! Oy. Free wifi, though. (Corinne, bring your laptop when you come back, if you're planning to hang out for a while.)

Letter to the Court in Support of Mike & Shannon

seth@macrobyte.net — Wed, 14 Feb 2007 15:42:30 GMT

There has been some confusion and misunderstanding regarding the whole "Mike and Shannon" situation. Someone actually expressed concern for our safety. Hah! Yeah, Shannon might appreciate us to death, and Mike might... um... nope, I can't think of anything.

Having asked them if they're ok with my publishing this letter (they are), the following is the letter we're sending to the judge who will be sentencing them on March 12th (assuming they don't get yet another continuance...).

Seth and Corinne Dillingham
[address]

The Honorable Judge Fisher
Norwich Superior Court
[address]

February 12, 2007

Dear Judge Fisher:

This letter is written in support of Michael and Shannon Deane. Our intent is to offer our understanding of their situation, and to seek consideration of a merciful judgment.

We were first introduced to Mike and Shannon just a few months ago when we were contacted by Shannon's mother. She asked if we would consider caring for their baby when it is born in early March. After a couple weeks of consideration, we agreed to meet them for dinner one night in November.

Pessimistically, we expected to find "criminals" looking for a favor, full of attitudes and excuses, and anger misdirected at "the system."

Instead we found two young minds (and hungry stomachs), afraid of the future and ashamed of their past, and simply exhausted from having nowhere to lay their heads, no means of transportation except their own feet, and no peace in their lives. There was no denial of guilt, just a sad resignation to the punishment they knew was coming.

We have realized — and hope that the Court realizes, as well — that these are not "hardened criminals." They are young people who made some foolish mistakes, some exceedingly bad decisions, but all against a background of truly desperate circumstances.

After a couple more meetings, in mid-January we invited them to move in to our spare bedroom. They accepted, and we've been happy to have them here ever since. They'll have a home here for as long as they need and want it, and we will care for the baby as our own until they're able to provide for it.

What Mike and Shannon need more than anything else — besides food and shelter, which were notably absent — are strong guidance and hope. We're doing our best to meet those needs, both literally and spiritually.

Desperation is not an excuse, but we do believe it provides grounds for mercy, and hope the Court agrees.

If there are any options besides time in prison (such as full or even double financial restitution, and/or extensive community service), we ask that the Court please consider them. Prison can't teach them not to be desperate, nor will it give them the wisdom to avoid foolish mistakes. Hard work and restitution, combined with strong moral and spiritual guidance, might do both.

In short: we don't believe they should go unpunished, but we do believe their rehabilitation is far more likely to be achieved through hard work, oversight, guidance and compassion than it is through prison.

We see real potential in Mike and Shannon, and hope — with the court's indulgence — to help them fulfill it.

Sincerely and Respectfully,

Seth and Corinne Dillingham

Finally Wrote the Letter

seth@macrobyte.net — Tue, 13 Feb 2007 02:51:55 GMT

This evening, I finally wrote the letter to the judge who is hearing Mike's & Shannon's case.

I should have written it weeks ago, I guess, but regardless: I'm really glad it's finally done.

I may post it here tomororw, but I'm going to ask them if they're ok with it, first. They probably will be.

Lots of people have asked about "the situation" around here right now. Posting the letter would answer a lot of questions (as I'm sure my proofreaders would agree).

Tuesday's Agenda

seth@macrobyte.net — Mon, 22 Jan 2007 13:46:33 GMT

Breakfast with Rich

Our weekly breakfast meeting, from 9:00 AM to 11:00 AM

Location: A small restaurant in North Kingstown, RI
Fetch Dad from Airport

Dad returns from Florida, pick him up at Bradley International and return him to North Stonington at 12:30 PM

Location: Bradley International Airport, north of Hartford (90 minute drive)
Probation Officers

Important meeting with Mike and Shannon's probation officers, which could greatly affect their sentencing next week.

Time: 1:15 PM to 2:00 PM

Location: Norwich, CT

I'm glad I have a personal clone, otherwise I'm not sure how I'd manage it all. There are no conflicts at breakfast (phew!), but the other two items on Tuesday's agenda would be impossible if there was only one of me.

Somehow between now and that meeting with the probation officers, one of me also needs to make time to write a strong letter of support for these two, to the judge who heard their case and will sentence them next week.